As I have been working with clients for the last ten years of my career, there is one thing that I am finding that is consistent.  People find it easier to treat their co-workers better than their partners.  People communicate better with their outside world (work/friends) than their internal world (home).  It is almost like there is special care that is taken in the workplace that isn’t considered at home.  Understandably so because work is our livelihood, it’s our source of income, and therefore we choose our words carefully to maintain the standard of life that we want to live.  However, home life is or should just be as important as it’s where we can be our authentic selves, be nurtured, and get our personal needs met.  So, why are we so callous in our communication?  When we demand that our partners validate us but fail to validate them.  What does that say about the relationship if we have no quorums validating the people we work with?  If applying professionalism gets you promoted at work, why would you not want to use some of these same principles at home to get “promoted” in the eyes of your partner?  An added bonus to applying these skills at home will only make you better at work.  Let’s take a moment to look at how workplace communication skills can be used at home while still being your authentic self. 

1. Who is your audience?  Reflect on how well you know your partner.
2. What would their perspective be about the topic?  Consider how they have responded to the issue or similar topics.
3. What would their wants and concerns be about the topic? Knowing how they have responded in the past to the topic and who they are as a person, what would they be concerned about or want to happen?
4. What do you want them to think or do about the topic?  Now, consider your needs, concerns, and desires about the issue.  What do you want them to think about or do in light of your perspective? What are you willing to compromise on if they are eager to compromise as well?  If they can’t compromise, how can you maintain a positive perspective and healthy relationship with this person by thinking about what other needs they meet for you?  What other things do they do well in your relationship?
5. Finally, craft a clear and concise message that balances your needs with theirs.  This will reflect I hear you, see you, and want to meet your needs as well as my own.  

As I have worked much of my professional career in roles either training or counseling individuals and/or groups I have learned that it is the small daily wins that win the race and not so much the untrained sprints that leave you feeling sore and quitting.  Let me explain to you what I mean.  Success starts with self-mastery which is a myriad of different daily actions that you take that cause positive movement forward to a desired goal.  However, what we often don’t take in account is the various external forces meant to distract you from success.  That’s the hard part. Defeating that demon and being the phoenix and that rises through the ashes.  So, how do you rise when everything is burning down? Let’s first define what is a phoenix.  A phoenix is a creature that uses the knowledge and experience of challenging times to rise above those experiences to become a reflection of hope.  Who doesn’t want to be the ripple effect of change in there family or community?

So, how do you get there?  How do you become a phoenix?  For the next 30 days I am going to get into the trenches with you and show how to start mastering yourself to become a phoenix.  For at least 10 minutes a day for the next 30 days we are going to learn a new skill/habit together, how to master that skill/habit in the midst of daily distractions, and become disciplined. 

​First, I want you to imagine that it is just me and you’re for the next 30 days in a 1 on 1 session.  Your direct access to a coach who sees your potential and willing to do the work with you to get you to the finish line.  Think about the various goals that you have wanted to accomplish the last few months or years.  Think of the goal that would mean the most to you because it would take pressure off other areas of your life or just make you feel good about yourself.   Write down what goal you want to accomplish in the next 30 days.  Then think about, what tools and resources do you have or need to accomplish the goal?  If you can get those tools and resources, you have identified your goal.  If you can’t, choose a goal that you have the tools and resources for.  Now write down what you know or your current abilities with the goal you want to accomplish.  The purpose behind this is because after the 30 days I will have you write down what you know now or what abilities do you have now because you spent 30 days working on this goal.  Below is my response to what’s my goal and my current abilities with my goal.  Share you goal in the comments and I will see you tomorrow for Day 1 of self-mastery!

Skill/Goal: Complete a training certification for work.
What do you know or what are your current abilities with the skill you want to learn? I am pretty knowledgeable on the topic but the tools I am learning are new and will up level my current skill set and value in the workplace.

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My parents' front porch was set up perfectly, with two white chairs and a coffee table all ready for a high school guy friend to come over and get advice on his girl problems. I had no idea then that my purpose was right there in those two chairs and the over-dramatized conversation between teenagers. It wasn't until 2011 that I would realize my purpose and start the path to becoming a counselor. As my dream started to come to fruition, I realized that we all have these tiny little moments guiding us to our purpose, and if we pay close enough attention, we will realize that we have known it all along. It was in that moment I knew my life's purpose was to help people heal so they can find their life purpose and reach their full potential.
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Just as much as we have little moments that align us with our purpose, we also have moments that deter us from our purpose. My purpose was put into question in the middle of my divorce. I had failed at the job that I had prayed so hard for from their perspective. So many people threw it in my face like I had lost my purpose, like what they said about my situation was the truth of life. However, the same place they said I failed because I didn't know enough renewed my contract and wanted me back the next year. While in the midst of questioning my relationship and who was in my corner, I took myself through this exercise using a modified version of a Think and Grow Rich principle, so I want to take you through it as well because if I had listened to the external forces telling me who I am and what I would be after my divorce, I wouldn't still be living my purpose.

The exercise I am going to walk you through helped me to heal and start to fully understand who I am and my purpose. If you are looking for a traditional healing exercise experience, then you can stop reading now. If you want something unique and adds value to your life, then keep reading.

Step 1: I want you to turn on your favorite song that puts you in a good mood.
Step 2: While you listen to the songs, I want you to write down one negative thing a person has said to you about your goals (No need to dwell on all of it because it's not that important what they said. The next part is).
Step 3: Then I want you to cross it out and write down five positive things you believe about yourself and your goals. Step 4: Lastly, I want you to fully enjoy the moment whether that means dance like no one's watching or singing at the top of your lungs.  Enjoy truth that no one's words about you and your goals matter. Only what you say about yourself and your goals matter.

In the words of Beyonce in 'Survivor,' there's no need to say anything negative about those not in your corner. It's not about them and what they said. It's about healing, finding your internal locus of control that allows you to heal, move on, and focus on your goals. So, I send you my song 'Fight Song' by Rachel Platten, and I declare to make today your fight song and take back your life song and prove that you're alright. Turn up your power. Be strong and know that even if no one else believes, know that you still have a lot of fights left in you (hugs).

Words of Affirmation for the Week: I am made for greatness. I am going to accomplish every goal that I desire.

I have always been a woman who considered high heels an accessory that makes me feel classy and sexy. Recently, I was welcomed back into the world of dating post-divorce and had a few choices I had to make on who I want to be.  In true counselor fashion, I spent months pre-divorce planning my new life and who I was going to become.  Though the discovery process had more obstacles and tears than I expected, I became myself.  Actually, I realized I've always known who I am.  It just got lost in attaching myself to the wrong person and a ring that didn't meet my high heel standards.  High heels have always enhanced my strength, beauty, and class that I felt on the inside.  High heels make me a better person, and I realized I need a man who makes me more extraordinary than a pair of good high heels.  
    With a new pair of heels in hand, literally, I started pursuing my new life and every dream I put on hold.  But of course, to get to the good stuff, I had to do some self-reflection on what I wanted to take with me to the next level and let go of what would hold me back.    

1.    Heal from the Trauma and Let It Go
I decided I needed to heal from the trauma of divorce and unhealthy behavior that occurred in my marriage.  There is NO SHAME IN DIVORCE.  There is shame in staying in a toxic relationship for the sake of appearances.  Signing the divorce papers was the best thing I could have ever done.  There was freedom when the judge gave his seal of approval, and it was official.  I no longer felt trapped in the lies I kept up to make sure I was a "good" wife.  I no longer had to stand in someone's shadow to make them look good when they wouldn't do the same for me.  I was free to return to being the independent, strong person I left behind and build the life I deserve.  No matter how cute a shoe is, when the heel tip comes off, it's best to replace the shoe than walk around clacking.               

2.    Own the Mistakes You Made and Forgive Yourself
Marriage is a two-way street.  What goes wrong in a marriage is never one person's fault.  If someone tells you otherwise, they are lying.  RUN!  I had to face that truth and deal with my shortcomings but most importantly, forgive myself.  I had to deal with the fact that I decided to get married when I knew is what not the right thing for me to do.  I had to admit that the delay in not being where I wanted to be was partially my fault, and it was my job to not dwell on why I wasn't where I want to be but to put in the work to fix it.  Accept the fact the heels aren't a good match for the outfit and switch them out! 
      
3.    Know What You Want
Figuring out what I wanted was the hardest part.  I like to make to-do lists and check things off as I go.  It lets me know that I am on track, and there is comfort in that for me.  However, my wise dad encouraged me to toss out my list and take a different approach to dating, and who was I not to take the wisdom of the best man I know and apply it to dating.  I found I had to be strong enough to walk away when I see red flags and not date another fixer.  If I can't make an average shoe become the heels I want, I can't make a guy into the man I need either.    

4.    Enjoy Your New Life
My favorite part is enjoying the journey of getting to where I want to be.  For the first time, I don't feel rushed.  I get to enjoy the people and process that get me to the next level.  It's all about the experience and what I can gain from it that makes me a better person.   So, go where you want to go, do what you want to do, and don't hold back.  Try on new heels.  If you like them, great! Buy it.  If you don't, leave them there and move on.